A number of years ago, Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery & Psychiatry reported on "Skinny Jean Syndrome" characterized by a "fashion victim" experiencing rhabdomyolysis and bilateral peroneal and tibial neuropathies as a result of squatting in skinny jeans.
Big deal, right? What medicine doesn't get is that being on fashion trend, practicing pop speech, and having a nice behind are what make us who we are. We're so hot and twisty and snarkily clever that the medical profession can't even keep up. To wit, here are the latest pathologies that are so ahead of the curve that they've yet to make it into the DSM.
Cliché Necrosis: In a study of brain MRIs of subjects randomly chosen from Facebook users, it was found that those who commonly posted the phrases "awesome," "fave," and "that moment when you're [insert gerund]" are experiencing necrotizing of the Broca area, a region in the frontal lobe of the dominant brain hemisphere linked to speech. Symptoms of what is being referred to in popular media as "Cliché Rot" are a spacy look when pondering questions such as "How are you?", inability to give coherent directions, and a tendency to respond to all salutations with "Fine. Howzabout you?"
Parental Dysconfusia: According to a Fortune survey, about 85% of adults read news on their smartphones—an increase of 54% since 2013. Many of them do this when they are bored and tending their children, resulting in pediatricians' alarm at the escalating incidence of the first word "Mamma" being directed at any kind of handheld digital device along with messy attempts to nurse on flat screens of all sizes.
Pernicious Bewilderment: characterized by an inability to navigate from here to there, near to far, and back again because one is never clear on where one is. It is believed that the root cause is an addiction to knowing "What's next?"
Idiopathic Spastic Trending Syndrome (ISTS): As concerns about branding and the power of virality have overwhelmed our culture, doctors at various metropolitan hospitals have identified a new kind of seizure characterized by patients uttering ululations such as "What's hot? What's not? I must know!" while writhing in front of whatever gadget they have most recently purchased. Treatment is as yet unknown because the doctors are preoccupied arguing whether ISTS is pronounceable, might be confused with a terrorist group, and is a catchy enough acronym for the DSM.
Involuntary Opinionitis Emissions: In a survey of social media posts, researchers have found that the time between breaking news of any cultural event and mass expression of didactic personal opinions has decreased to .000002 seconds from pre-internet days. When a study sample of 3,500 posters were queried as to their sources, verification of sources, and consideration of impact of expression or anything at all that might result from the dissemination of such opinions, the overwhelming number of respondents (95% +-5% who could not make up their minds fast enough to type answers on the survey forms) replied, "Nope."
And what is my source for this list? Source, schmorse! A lot of people are saying it. Or nobody is saying it. But, really, isn't it obvious?